Blue eyes. Blue eyes blue eyes BLUE EYYYYEEEYEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!

Omg, I am a sucker for blue eyes.

Okay, okay. Crime show. Criminal catches the criminals. I can dig it. However.


Dear Leverage,

Because of you, I now expect criminals, such as the ones in White Collar, to be way more stealthy and Machiavellian than they really are. I keep expecting a new twist.
This is not a bad thing. I can still appreciate things like BLUE EYES. It's just, you know. You left an impression.

Luvs ya!
Z

Dear Persons Overly Concerned W/ My Well-Being,

I love you and I would like to convey, in the most loving and respectful manner possible:

GET A LIFE.

That is all.
Z

DEAR MEN,

Please, please, PLEASE find someone else to fixate on. I am not up for grabs, and I don't enjoy feeling like a god damn Barbie doll.

For years, I have tried to figure out why I am so desirable to the opposite sex. It's been going on for longer than even I'm aware of. AND I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

I'm grumpy. I'm crude. I do not bathe on a regular basis. I wear men's clothes that are falling apart.

IF SOMEONE CAN TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT IS SO APPEALING, PLEASE DO SO, SO I CAN TURN IT THE FUCK OFF.

Friends. Strangers. The guy who lived beneath me in my dorm.

STOP THE MADNESS, PEOPLE. Surely, SURELY you can do better than a misogynistic, loud, greasy-haired buck-toothed bitch, you feel me?

God, PORN has got to be more rewarding than fixating on me.


GET A LIFE,
Z


I ONLY WISH THIS WERE HYPERBOLE.

So I plan on seeing District 9 tomorrow. I've casually invited a friend of mine and my father, as well as posting an open invitation on Facebook.

Here are the various responses:

Friend: Fuck yes.

Dad: I don't want to be a third wheel.
Me: Dad. Hell will freeze first. Come see the damn movie.

Friend on FB: I think there's a group going on Saturday.
Me: Kay. I'm going Friday.
Friend: We should go with you, then!
Me: Kay.


Jesus Christ, are we all secretly 12-year-old girls?

Dear People,

I don't care if you go see a movie without me. I do not have a problem with going to see a movie without you.
Movies are not romantic. I go for the body-count. There is no third wheel when you are watching a movie in a room full of complete strangers.
I would buy you all big-girl panties if I thought you'd wear them.

I love you all,
Z


This is just hilariously weird to me.

Dear Cousins:

Let's play a game.

It's called "Let's See Who Can Slam The Door The Loudest, Waking Up Our Eldest Cousin Who Just Spent All Day Corralling Us At The Zoo, And See Who She Shoots First From The Top Of The Clock Tower!"

Sound good? GREAT.


NO LOVE,
Z

Dear Sarcasm,

I love you. You are the sole reason I can stand talking to people, pretty much ever. You let good situations get better and bad situations get worse as effortlessly as pressing a button. Properly wielded, sarcasm can cut, maim, and in the hands of a master, castrate.

You are the icing on my cupcake. The fairy wings on my inner queer. The cream that I do not actually take in my tea. I am your disciple. Your cousin, snark, is my dearest friend. If you so will it, I will continue to enrage, embarrass, deflect, and amuse to the end of my smart-ass days.

Yours forevs,
Z



idk, my bff crack?

01. Dear People,

Really? Really?

Lol irl,
Z

02. My laptop is no longer a laptop. It is now more like a really light desktop. Because my battery sucks and no, I cannot afford a new one, are you brain-damaged?

03.


04. Aretha's Hat icons will never stop being funny.

05. Pretty sure I'm going to dye my hair pink. Take that, future employers!

06. If one more person calls this house asking for my blood, I will whip out my cut-a-bitch and cut a bitch.

07. Why, Veronica? Why can't your show be geared to an age where I can appreciate it? I lust for your film noir-y goodness!

08. Pretty sure if I step outside, my insides will boil or something.

09. Haters to the left.

So, since I seem to have a Twitter (FML), I have decided to break down and watch Heroes, something I have been meaning to do for... eh. A while.

Because, while you're on a downward spiral, why not go for broke?

( Spoilers... Or maybe not, as I seem to be the only human who HASN'T watched it. )

Yeah. Also, this is more like my reality than I can say. In my head, EVERYONE can fly. And lobotomies are just that commonplace.

WOOT.

I acknowledge that there is a science to getting a job. You have to get the right store/restaurant at exactly the right place. You have to make a good impression on everyone you encounter in that establishment. You have to be persistent. You have to stand out of the crowd.

Thank you. I get that.

Now let me say this. If one more employed person gives me advice on how to get a job, I will hurt them.

I love it when people tell me 'so and so is hiring'. That kind of insider info makes the difference between employment and not.
I do not love the well-meaning advice, the badgering, the 'oh, you have to keep trying' bullshit. I promise, nay, swear to you that I have heard it all before.

So shut the fuck up.

Dear People Who Make Flair Buttons on Facebook,

Shut the fuck up about Jesus, Twilight, and Obama. NO ONE FUCKING CARES.

Fuck your smug religion. EDWARD DOES NOT EXIST. I DON'T SEE YOU TURNING DOWN THOSE TAX BREAKS OBAMA KEEPS PUSHING.

FUCK OFF,
-Z

( Dear SGA- )

Update: Ahahaha, oh Zelenka. ILU. Never change.

( Best not read this drivel. )

And on a completely unrelated note, how is it that a tiny scratch on my pinky finger that didn't even bleed can become more painfully infected than some of my deepest and worst scrapes and gouges any place else.

Forgot to mention the Burn Notice finale.

( Can't be havin' that. )



Yeah, so Season 3 is when?

Dear Florida,

This weather we're having? I fucking approve.

Keep up the good work,
Z

Dear Micheal Weston,

Please continue to have enemies/friends who look and sound amazingly like Ray Kowalski, who does this great pelvic thrust during a closeup. I need my sexy Chicago Polack fix, and you deliver. ::thumbs up::
Also, if you could sleep with him, preferably onscreen, that would be great.
Thanks!

Lotsa love,
Z

Was that really necessary? I don't think Ted Bundy has the kind of bad karma I've worked off, today.

Sincerely Yours and Go Fuck Yourself,
Z


Later:

Dear Math Professor,

Thank you for being unbearably cute with your nose-wrinkle and your goofy grin. You make me not die.

Thanks again,
Z

5 Ways People Are Trying To Save The World (That Don't Work)


Dear People with your rabid organic craze and your stand against vaccinations,

You. Are. Moronic. Sheep.
Dangerous sheep, at that.
Fuck your latest findings, fuck your fads and ideals and your 'making the world better' bullshit. You're gonna die. Accept this and move on.

Sincerely,
Z


Dear Cracked.com,

I love you and your macho craziness. Marry me.

Love,
Z

Dear People in My Head,

Despite what you seem to think, I do actually need sleep.

Pipe down,
Z

I watched this purely on accident. I had no idea it was coming on, let alone who was nominated. All I did was invade my flat mate's room, uninvited and boom. Two someodd hours later, I was enlightened.

Here are my thoughts. In order:


1) Hugh Jackman. I suspect you to be the reincarnation of Jesus. "I'm an Australian, who played an Australian, in a movie called... Australia." ::dies laughing::
I couldn't stop giggling throughout that whole damn routine, especially when the Craigslist dancers came prancing on to do an interpretative number about The Reader because, lets face it. Who the hell has seen that movie?
And yes. You are Wolverine. Rock on, dude.

2) Anne Hathaway. You are Nixon. Marry me.

3) Lawrence of Arabia ftmfw!

4) Mickey Roarke. Jesus Christ, man. I missed you. Welcome back.

5) Heath Ledger. Theres not a damn thing that can be said that hasn't been already about a bajillion times over. So, yeah. You owned that role, and we'll remember you for it.

6) Seth Rogan and James Franco. I love u guys so hard.

7) Dear Hosts of the Oscars,

I love you guys. Really.

BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY A TITLE IN FRENCH, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY, PRONOUNCE THEM CORRECTLY.

Sincerely,
Z

8) Slumdog Millionaire. Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ. You clearly rock as a movie. I mean, Danny Boyle directed you, so you've got a leg up on the WORLD as far as I'm concerned, but still. It's easier to say what you didn't win.

9) Benjamin Button. Yeah. You, too. I almost feel like I should watch this film, but... Feels too Notebook-esc. But anyway. Congrats.

10) Yay, Kate Winslet! You go, girl!

11) MILK. I don't know why I haven't seen this film yet, and while I hear people complain about how Sean Penn wasn't genuine in his desires for equality, I'm still excited. I wish this had made best picture just for what it represents. Not only are the homophobes losing their grip on society, but there's a whole new generation coming who are not at all afraid to rub it in their faces. This is a terms-of-endearment story that I want to hear.

12) And finally, O Saya. Kick-ass song.

In Conclusion:
I need to watch Milk.



ROCK ON, MOVIE PEOPLE. You keep making them and I'll keep snarking at them. <3